


there's bones in my closet (but you hang stuff anyway)

by pugilists



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol, Anxiety Disorder, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, Slow Burn, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2018-09-09 05:30:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8877802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pugilists/pseuds/pugilists
Summary: Beau moves to Pelican Town in the hopes of starting anew. Shane is thrown off balance when a new farmer moves in up the road from him. Neither of them expected to find each other in a dark place.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i got stardew valley about, 2 weeks ago and???? did not expect to love a farming sim and the sad drunk who breaks my heart constantly but HERE WE ARE
> 
> fic title is from [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2ymJcCwS_s), it's a good overall vibe 
> 
> chapter title is from [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szbB-vLVnoQ)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Welcome to Roenick Farm!" Robin threw her arms up in the air and turned around to look at Beau.

_It's the first day of spring_  
_And my life is starting over again_  
_Where the trees grow, the river flows_  
_And its water will wash away my sins_

**Beau**

The bus was a tired, old thing. It rumbled along the road slowly, the loose pieces of gravel from the road bouncing off the bottom of the bus. Stiff blue curtains were available by each window seat and Beau had taken advantage of them an hour ago, when the sun had started hitting his face. The start of spring had made the sun even more unbearable than usual to deal with.

He couldn't remember the last time he'd had to sit still for this long, he wasn't one for road trips. He'd been on the bus since it departed Zuzu City at six am and it was all he could do not to beg the driver to let him stop the bus to take a quick walk and stretch his legs. His Kindle sat beside him accusingly and in need of a recharge; Beau had been an hour into an ebook before it had fallen flat.

The view once they had left the city had been mesmerising though. There was nothing but rich green mountains in the distance and he had seen more colourful birds on this bus trip alone than he ever had in the city. He hoped this was a taste of what waited for him in Pelican Town.

With nothing to distract him, a knot of anxiety sat heavy in his gut. He knew next to nothing about tending to crops and looking after animals, he hadn't even been to his grandfather's farm since before his death. City life was all Beau knew and he had started to regret leaving the comforts of it just to start fresh. In the back of his mind however he was glad to be moving somewhere quiet and scenic, somewhere where he wouldn't have to hear trains pass by every half hour and where he'd have a whole plot of land to himself. His psychologist had told him it would be good for his anxiety, he hoped she was right.

Eventually a sign came up on the opposite side of the bus to him, the valley was only half a mile away. He rubbed his eyes and grabbed the backpack that sat next to him. Most of his belongings were still in the city, waiting to be delivered by a moving truck so all he had were his essentials.

It was completely empty on the bus except for Beau and the driver; he started getting up once they had begun pulling into the bus stop. Swinging his bag onto his back he took a deep slow breath to steady himself. _It'll be fine, you're going to be fine_. The door of the bus squeaked open with effort and a cool wind immediately swept through the bus.

"Hello! You must be Beau."

He shielded his eyes from the sun with his free hand and saw a red-haired woman waving at him, she grinned when he smiled back at her weakly.

"Yep, that's me." He nodded a thanks to the bus driver and stepped off the bus and onto the grass. He really wished he'd remembered to bring a hat.

The woman approached him and shook his hand. Her grip was firm and reassuring. "I'm Robin. The local carpenter," she told him. "Mayor Lewis sent me to meet you, he's over at your new house tidying up."

Robin was undoubtedly polite but Beau's nerves were in overdrive and he could do little more than nod to show he understood.

Thankfully Robin was unfazed by it and patted his shoulder. "Alright, follow me to your new farm!"

The valley was more lush than he had expected. On the way to the farm there were a multitude of newly bloomed flowers and the air was more pleasant to breathe in up there than in the city. A bee hovered lazily near his ear for a moment, the buzzing made him smile.

"So, Beau," Robin started with an easy friendliness, "you got any experience on farms?" She was at least 2 inches taller than him, he realised as they walked side by side.

"Uh, no. I don't think I've ever even grown plants before," he let out a small laugh in an attempt to seem less nervous than he actually was.

The carpenter smiled with delight, " your accent sounds like you're from New Zealand." He nodded and felt his face start to burn. He had moved away from his home country to work in Australia, moving overseas again to be on the farm. It explained why he'd only visited his late grandfather once. Robin nudged his shoulder with her own and continued the walk in thoughtful silence. Beau resisted the urge to pause his walking so he could pick some of the flowers they went past.

They walked past a sign that was so old and surrounded by bush that he nearly walked straight past it without realising it was there. It read _Roenick Farm_ , after Beau's last name and his's father's and his grandfather's and so on. He squeezed the strap of his backpack nervously as they approached the farm.

Robin stopped to open the entrance, a rusting steel gate that was big enough to allow a car to pass through easily enough, and it was another five-minute walk until they reached the cosy little house that inhabited the farm.

He was struggling not to let his jaw hit the grass as they made their way. He knew that no one had lived on the farm since his grandfather's passing but now it became obvious that no one at least bothered to maintain it either. There were so many pine trees clustered together that they felt like mini forests and Beau had to take special precautions not to fall flat on his face thanks to a sneaky tree root or half hidden rock. It was a mess, at least he knew he wouldn't be bored for a few weeks at the minimum.

"Welcome to Roenick Farm!" Robin threw her arms up in the air and turned around to look at Beau; the grin slid off her face quickly when she saw his expression. "What's the matter?" she asked.

When he couldn't find his voice, Robin continued on. "It might be a bit overgrown but trust me! There's good soil underneath to farm with and I know you of all people will be able to clean it up in no time." Her smile was genuine and warm and he breathed in deeply to calm himself. She was right, he could handle this.

“I hope so.”

She walked him over to the front of the porch that joined onto the rest of the small cottage that was now Beau’s. The house was made completely from wood, except for the tiles on the roof, it seemed and he made a mental note to check for the possibility of leaks. Despite than looking impossibly weary and worn-out, it was a welcome surprise from the old place he had been living in.

“This is your new home,” Robin said. Her eyes crinkled somewhat as she grinned at Beau and he tried to returned it with a grin of his own. He was handling all of this a lot better than he had expected.

The front door creaked open and a man came out of the house. The first thing he noticed about him was his well-trimmed moustache. 

“Ah, the new farmer!”

Beau was clapped on the back good-naturedly before the man, who he presumed to be the mayor, shook his hand as firmly as Robin had. 

“Welcome. I’m Lewis, the Mayor of Pelican Town,” he told Beau. “We’ve had a lot of people asking about you, it’s not often we get someone new moving in!”

There was a small sense of dread for him. He despised being the centre of attention and while he was looking forward to meeting the other residents, he truly disliked that he was likely to be the talk of the town for even a while. 

A moment of silence passed before he responded, his face already starting to go red. He was embarrassed by how prone to blushing he was. “Uh, thank you sir.”

Lewis turned away from the new farmer to look over at the house, a deep and resounding sigh escaped him. “So… you’re moving into your grandfather’s old cottage.” The mayor sounded hopeful. “It’s a good house. Very ‘rustic’.”

Beau squinted up at the house, he wasn’t sure if old and falling apart counted as that.

A loud guffaw came from Robin. “Rustic? That’s one way to put it, I think a better word for it would be ‘crusty’.”

“Rude!” Lewis told her but he didn’t sound very offended, it was more like he was worried about Beau being offended. It was his new home after all. “Don’t listen to Robin, she just wants you to buy one of her house upgrades.”

Lewis put his hand on Beau’s shoulder and the farmer cringed internally. He wasn’t used to anyone being this touchy. 

“I’m sure you’ve had a long journey, you must be tired. You should get some rest.” Lewis smiled at him. “Tomorrow you can explore the town and introduce yourself. Everyone in town would appreciate that.”

It was sound advice, he was definitely ready to taking a long nap. 

“Looking forward to it,” he said. The mayor give him a contented chuckle in return.

“One last thing, Beau. Anything you want to sell goes in this big box here,” he patted the top of a decently large wooden container. “I’ll come by nightly to collect whatever’s in it.” 

With a final nod of his head, the mayor began to leave the property. Robin soon followed suit. She gave Beau a sympathetic look before she left, leaving him alone in front of his new home and surrounded by the disaster zone that was Roenick Farm. Beau looked out at the mess with a pounding sense of hopelessness. _This is what happens when you try something new_ , he thought to himself but he was quick to also remind himself that he’d be much happier here in the long run. At least he hoped he would.

Clasping the straps of his backpack tighter, Beau stepped into his new home for the first time.

 

It had been an early morning for Beau. He’d conked out as soon as his head hit the pillow the previous day and now he was wide awake and suffering from a bad case of bed head. He'd checked his phone as soon as he was awake to find out that the moving truck was arriving tomorrow, he’d only packed enough clothes for today but he decided that was an issue for later. He also decided to test if the shower in the cramped bathroom was still working, luckily it was. 

The silence in his home would have been deafening if it weren’t for the twittering of birds and the slow shake of the trees outside as a breeze threaded through them, like fingers through hair. While there was a sense of peace and comfort to be found from it, Beau knew it would take him a while to get used to it.

Outside, it was cool and the sun was just barely peeking above the trees, leaving a deep orange glow in the sky. In his old apartment, it was impossible for him to see a sunrise since skyscrapers greeted him out of every window. The view from his porch left him with a warm comfortable feeling.

He had found a gift left from the mayor before he went to sleep last night, a box full of parsnip seeds, and he’d tasked himself with planting them that morning before considering exploring the rest of the farm. It was work enough just removing all the weeds and large rocks in front of his cottage but Beau had been determined to plant his first crops of the season. He wasn’t completely certain of what he was doing but he soon fell into a routine of parsnip planting, it was therapeutic in an odd way. He hummed quietly as he worked.

The farm was large enough that it took him most of the afternoon to explore it after a morning of farming. He’d found a couple of ponds that seemed to be teeming with life and a cave that he was sure was also teeming but with a scary kind of life that he’d rather not run into.

There was a small gathering of trees in the corner of the property and Beau took his time trying not to trip over roots as he went further in. Embedded into the wall of rock was a memorial of some sort, clearly meant for his grandfather. He wondered for a moment if someone had been looking after it since it was spotless but a piece of parchment caught his attention. It was impossible to tell how long it had been there, he picked it up gingerly and brought it closer to his eyes to read.

 _Beau,_  
_Wait for my return at the dawn of the 3rd year._  
_-Grandpa_

He stared at the note for a few minutes, then, with shaking hands, he crumpled it up and stuffed it into his jean pocket. He chalked it up to a poor prank and turned around, ready to leave his quiet farm for the rest of the day. 

 

“Ah, Mr. Roenick, the new farmer!”

Beau looked up at the man standing behind the counter, somewhat startled. 

“Yes, hi.” He extended his hand for the cashier to shake and tried to smile. Sometimes it was hard for him to know what to do when it came to talking to strangers.

The man accepted Beau’s hand with an easy grasp. “It’s good to meet you, I’m Pierre, the owner. I hope you enjoy all of the seeds we sell as well as anything else you might need!”

“Oh, thanks. It’s very nice to meet you too,” he replied. He’d been confounded by where he was supposed to buy seeds for crops but Pierre’s general store seemed to be well stocked.

“Anyway, we’re closing up in a bit. You’re welcome back whenever though,” Pierre told him. He started counting all of Beau’s items to check out. He’d only gotten a few essentials items, mostly food.

After he paid, he waved goodbye to the store owner and made his way back home. It was only to quickly drop his things onto the small table by his front door. He’d decided to visit the town’s saloon, at the recommendation of Lewis. He was looking forward to the food more so than the people.

Pelican Town was smaller than Beau had expected, more beautiful too. Towards the north was an expanse of mountains, and to the south, just beyond the river, was the smell of salt water as the ocean and land met. The town’s beach had a pier too, and a small fishing store that had been closed for the day. The population was sparse but he liked that. 

He grabbed a cardigan from his backpack, to fend off the slight chill of the evening spring breeze, and left the property to head back into town. Beau was determined was get to know the townsfolk even if it was slightly daunting. 

The saloon was warm and brightly lit, with a crackling fire happening in the corner. There were two people behind the bar and another two who were patrons.

He approached the woman who was currently cutting lemons. 

“Oh! Hello,” she put the knife down. “You’re the new farmer, right? I can just tell you’re going to love it here.”

He laughed, “I hope so. I’m Beau.”

“Such a lovely name! I’m Emily, I work here along with Gus. He’s actually the owner and chef.” She nodded her head to the man talking to a patron. He exuded a cheerfulness that put Beau at ease.

“I’d better go introduce myself later then.” He sat down at one of the bar stools and grinned up at Emily. Her hair was such a bright shade of blue, he wondered if it was even possible to make hair dye like that.

“You definitely should, but for now what can I get you?”

He couldn’t see a menu anywhere. “Oh, uh, what do you recommend for dinner?”

Emily clapped her hands together, delighted to be given the chance to decide for him.

“One pizza, coming your way then,” she told him.

“Do you do vegetarian pizza?”

Emily only nodded reassuringly before she left to fulfil his request.

Beau decided to use it as an opportunity to look around the saloon. He wandered over to a giant wooden figure of a bear, up on its two back feet, that sat by the fireplace. Its face looked solemn and only a single paw was raised. He wondered where it had come from. 

The atmosphere was relaxing and he could hear the casual chattering of Gus and the blonde woman he was talking to. The only other customer was a man, who looked to be around Beau’s age, standing between the fireplace and bar. He was nursing a half empty schooner of beer and wore the uniform of the chain grocery store on the east side of town. He slowly made his way over to him.

He tried to wave at the man. "Hey, I'm Beau."

“I don’t know you. Why are you talking to me?” His voice was rough and guarded and he clearly didn’t want to talk to Beau. He glared at the farmer for a second before going back to his glass of beer, as if he hadn't just left Beau feeling embarrassed.

“Uh…” He couldn’t get any words out of his throat. Instead he ducked his head and went straight back to where he had been sitting. What had he done to make the guy to annoy him so much? Anxiety nibbled at him and left a deep pit in his stomach. He was sure Emily had heard as he watched her frown at the man before coming over to Beau.

“Sorry, that’s Shane. I promise he’s usually a lot nicer than that.” She smiled at him sympathetically, he wished she wouldn't.

“It’s, um, it’s fine. I might just go actually.” He stood up and placed his money on the counter. Shane hadn’t looked their way at all and somehow it only served to make Beau feel like even more of an idiot.

Emily looked at him with surprise. “Oh? What about the pizza?”

“Uh, sorry.”

Beau turned to leave, hands bunched up in his cardigan pockets. He knew he was overreacting. It was what he did best and he hated that about himself. Out in the darkness, he scrubbed his face with the palms of his hands and resolved to go straight home.

 _Tomorrow you’re going to get over it_ , he told himself determinedly. But for now, he allowed himself to breathe his shaky breaths and wring his shaky hands as he left the saloon behind him. It seemed that not even moving across the ocean could shake off his anxieties, not even a little bit.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I have a feeling,” Emily hummed, “about you and Beau.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lyrics from [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRrer1toZX4)

_All I want is to be left alone_  
_Tact from me is like blood from a stone_

**Shane**

Shane wasn’t used to change. Nearly everything in his life was a constant and he was fine with that. He went to work at the same time every weekday, always wore the same hoodie, visited the same saloon every evening, drank the same beer, saw the same faces day in and day out. The sense of stability his routine gave him was usually enough to shove down the constantly permeating sense of despair, the drinking just helped push it down further.

Living in Pelican Town had helped Shane maintain these constants he was desperate to hold onto. Everyone knew him and he knew everyone, and they knew not to expect very much from him. It was hard to disappoint people when the expectations were already so low.

Finding out that the old abandoned farm just north from Marnie’s ranch was soon going to be inhabited by a stranger had annoyed Shane. Seeing the stranger for the first time however, freaked Shane out enough to say whatever he needed to be left alone. It had been rude enough to warrant a frustrated glare from Emily and a swift exit from the new farmer.

Should Shane have felt bad? Yeah, probably. But he was too busy trying to maintain whatever small sense of stability and worth he had to feel guilty.

He had expected someone middle-aged, maybe a family or even a couple. Instead the town’s newest farmer was a young-looking man, who appeared painfully shy, and looked like he’d never even stepped foot on a farm his entire life. Shane had thought he was attractive in a soft and scruffy way but he quashed the thought immediately. 

“Beau was only being polite, that was unjustified even for you,” Emily had said to him with arms crossed. Shane only shrugged sheepishly in response and left after his second beer.

Now he saw the farmer occasionally around town. Usually it was only to and from work as Beau hadn’t been back to the saloon since.  
The farmer – _Beau_ , Shane reminded himself – was apparently getting on well with everyone else in town. Marnie told him that Beau spent a lot of his free time at Robin and Demetrius’ house, seemingly a fellow science lover much to the delight of Demetrius and his daughter, Maru. Shane pretended he didn’t care.

Beau pointedly made sure to avoid Shane around town, only crossing his path when he had to. He couldn’t really blame the farmer, it was probably for the best.

He was never seen at Shane’s work, which he really couldn’t blame him for either. Even he wouldn’t step foot in there if the supermarket didn’t employ him. 

Emily had mostly stopped scolding Shane every time he walked into the saloon. It seemed that she was becoming fast friends with the farmer and he couldn’t object to her having someone new to befriend. Sometimes it felt like she was bored with how little people lived in the town. 

She tutted when he walked into Stardrop Saloon, soaked to the bone from the rain outside. His shoes squeaked from the wet quietly.

“You know, I always tell you I have a spare umbrella you can keep,” she told him as she pulled a glass from a rack.

“And you know I’m still not going to use it.” 

Shane hovered near the fireplace, feeling the welcome heat on the back of his legs. He considered taking his hoodie off.

He watched her skilfully pour a beer, leaving a perfect amount of foam on top. 

“If you come in with a cold tomorrow I’m allowed to tell you I told you so,” she said sweetly. Shane snorted in response.

He took his usual spot by the fire and settled into drinking his beer. Eventually the saloon started to fill with more patrons, and Emily becoming busier with filling drink orders while Gus busied himself with food.

A lot of people went there to socialise but they rarely said more than a hello to Shane, which was okay with him. He was only there to drink and reassure Emily that he’d managed to get out of bed that day.

“I have a feeling,” Emily hummed, “about you and Beau.” She grinned at him and he rolled his eyes, she was often telling him about premonitions and spiritual things that Shane really did not understand nor believe.

“The farmer? He won’t even look at me.”

She raised her eyebrow as if to tell him ‘and who’s fault is that?’ before placing her palms on the counter.

“Well, you’ll have your chance to apologise tomorrow at the Egg Festival.”

Shane downed the rest of his beer and set the empty glass down with a familiar _clink._

“I’ll think about it,” he said. 

 

It was a surprisingly nice day for the festival, all the dreary dark clouds had disappeared overnight and had left behind only quickly dissipating puddles of rain.

Shane spotted a few colourful eggs as he walked with Marnie and Jas from the ranch to the town square. His goddaughter made a show of pretending not to notice the eggs she’d eventually be collecting and he laughed with their aunt. He wasn’t sure how much worse off he’d be without his small family, it was easy and comfortable with the three of them.

He felt a small sense of pride for the hens at their ranch for all the eggs they had managed to supply for the festival. This year there were considerably more which meant a bigger egg hunt.

As they entered the town square, Emily waved at him happily before turning back to her conversation with Jodie. 

“I’m just going to go say a quick hello to Lewis,” Marnie told him as she pointed to the mayor who was lingering near a face-cut standee. Shane grinned knowingly as his aunt walked away.

“Jas! Over here!” 

Vincent was running at full speed towards them and Jas yelled a greeting at him. She patted her godfather’s hand before following Vincent to the other side of the festival.

That left Shane alone to dig his hands into the pockets of his hoodie and take a proper look around for the first time.

It was much nicer than the previous year, he wandered over to the tables of food that had been set out. Shane didn’t have much of an appetite at the moment but he wasn’t too sure what else to do with himself. He vaguely wished he was still in bed.

Something he realised was that Beau wasn’t present, it was too early to decide whether or not the farmer had skipped out on the festival but he seemed like the punctual type. He was somewhat relieved about it though, Shane had no idea what he would have said to him.

The rest of the festival passed by faster than he had expected. Shane made friendly conversation with whoever approached him and simply shrugged whenever anyone made a passing comment about Beau’s lack of appearance. Obviously, they had expected the farmer to attend his first town event since arriving.

Abigail won the egg hunt, her basket brimming with colourfully painted eggs. He watched as she handed them over in return for a wide-brimmed straw hat only to offer it to Jas. She seemed to gasp with delight before running over to show Shane and Marnie.

“Shane! You have to wear the hat,” Jas told him as she waved it at him. He reluctantly took it and placed it on his head.

Marnie laughed kindly. “Looking good,” she said.

He handed it back to Jas with a small smile before turning away. Shane tried to ignore the numbing emptiness that had started to plague him more and more often. 

 

There was a soft knock on the door as Shane started getting up for work. Marnie popped her head in as he groaned, trying to muster up the will to leave his warm bed.

“Are you coherent yet?” she asked, Shane grunted in response. “I was hoping after you finish work that you could deliver a few chicks to Roenick.”

“The farmer got a coop?” Shane said groggily.

“Obviously,” his aunt laughed.

She left after he managed to actually sit up and eventually he left his bed. He’d never get used to the early starting hours but he didn’t have much of a choice about it. It was lucky that he even got weekends off.

Work at JojaMart was always a dull affair. Shane just shut his brain off and worked robotically, otherwise he’d get lost in thoughts of self-depreciation and pity. Usually the thought of getting to sit down at the saloon and drink himself into a pleasant buzz was enough to get him through the day but he’d be too busy taking the baby chickens to Beau’s farm. It was a struggle to finish his shift without resorting to lying down, with his back on the cold linoleum, and never getting back up again.

He only stayed long enough to sign out after he was finished before Shane went straight home. It was strange delivering something since most of the people who were interested in buying anything from the ranch were from the next town over or nearby farms, too far for Shane to have time to drive to himself. Now that the farm to the north of them was inhabited again, Shane was probably going to have to get used to it.

After a quick shower, he found his favourite hoodie and went to go get the chicks who were currently having a ball as they basked under the light of a lamp.

Shane gave them a soft smile, they were so small and content with everything. He never understood why it was such an insult to be called a chicken, who wouldn’t want to be one?

The drive to the farm was relatively short. He’d never been to Roenick Farm before but there was only a single dirt road that lead to it. Marnie had told him that the road was used a lot when Beau’s grandfather had still been alive. Constantly trucking animals and crops back and forth for each other.

The farm itself was in chaos though. He had to park the truck on the edge of the property. It was a challenge for Shane to carry the box that temporarily housed the chicks, without tripping over. 

“This is more like a forest than a farm,” Shane grumbled as he narrowly missed catching his foot on a tree root.

Eventually the small house came into sight and he sighed with relief, glad to be out of the mess. There was the coop next to it, and in front of it was a decent field of crops already growing. Shane pulled a face at the scarecrow as he walked past.

He knocked on the door after setting the box down, the chicks could be heard quietly scuffling about. Beau opened the door short after, clearly surprised to see him. His hair was even more of a mess than ever, he noted.

“Someone order some chickens?” Shane asked, trying to make the atmosphere less tense. The farmer glanced down at the box.

“Didn’t think I’d get them so soon.” His voice was soft and wary.

“Marnie likes to keep on top of things.”

Beau smiled, stepping out onto the porch. “I bet. Do you think you could help me set them up?”

Before Shane could respond he’d already picked the box up and started making his way to the empty coop, leaving Shane to follow reluctantly. 

“I’ve never really looked after an animal before,” Beau admitted with a shrug of his shoulder.

Shane entered the coop and looked around, pleased with Robin’s handy work. “Chickens are fairly easy to look after, just gotta feed them and cuddle them.” That seemed to earn him a snort of laughter from Beau.

There was plenty of space for the chicks to grow into, and it seemed warm and sturdy. He crouched down and removed the lid from the box before setting the lamp he’d carried in a backpack. It was hard to ignore Beau’s stare from nearby. “How long have you looked after chickens?” he asked.

Shane picked up the smaller chick to hold. “Only a couple of years, since I moved here. Never looked after an animal before then either.” He was glad he’d realised how much he loved those fluffy little creatures, for all their clucking and scaredy-cat nature Shane really did adore them. 

“Where did you move from?” was Beau’s reply. Clearly intent on making conversation.

“Just over in Zuzu City. You?”

The farmer moved to sit by the box so he could look at the chicks better. “I lived in Australia, for work.”

Shane gestured to him to put his hand out so he could give him the small furry animal to hold. Beau complied and grinned down at his new chicken who was ruffling its wings. “What’d you do for work?” Shane asked.

“Oh uh, I worked at an air force base there. Engineering.” He seemed almost self-conscious to say it. It definitely wasn't what Shane had expected him to say but it explained why he was with the tech-savvy Maru constantly.

“So, you’re like, a veteran?” 

Beau laughed and shook his head. “No, I was never deployed or anything. I just helped maintain the aircrafts there.” _Who the hell goes from being an engineer to a farmer?_ Shane thought. 

He thought about asking why Beau hadn’t turned up to the festival but decided it was none of his business.

“We should probably let them get their sleep now,” Shane said.

He stood up to stretch as Beau deposited the chick he was holding back into the box. The farmer’s sleeve got caught on the edge of the box though, raising itself to show the remains of a thick scar that ran up his wrist. Shane immediately looked away uncomfortably, he felt like he’d just walked in on someone in the middle of getting dressed. He made his way out of the coop.

“It’s getting pretty dark too. Will you be okay getting back to the ranch?” Beau softly shut the door behind them, he was whispering too, apparently worried about annoying his two new companions. It was also apparent he didn’t know about what Shane had seen.

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry about it.” He shoved his hands into his pockets, feeling weird.

Beau nodded. “Thanks for bringing them over,” he said before giving him a small awkward wave and making his way back to his cottage.

Shane stared at the back of the farmer as he retreated. _Strange guy._


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Just get up and feed the chickens and let the cat out at least, that’s all you have to do today, one day at a time._ He stared up at the ceiling, seeing nothing but rows of stained wood, and resolved to drag himself out of bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lyrics from [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6A8oXUw1ej0)

_You take your time,  
young lion._

**Beau**

It had been a monumental task to get into a routine of waking up at the same time every morning. Get up at six am, make breakfast, drink enough coffee to earn himself a lecture from Harvey if he ever knew, check on the chickens, water the crops, try to tame his hair. Sometimes Beau would go for a run while the sun was still rising above the horizon if he got up early enough. Today though, he was finding it hard to leave his sweaty cocoon of blankets and a discarded shirt as he tried to muster up the energy to even move his limbs.

Sometimes, especially lately, it was a lot easier to be proactive and motivated. Beau was in a completely new environment where he had a farm and responsibilities and friendly faces he saw daily and for the most part it was peaceful, so why shouldn’t he feel better? When he had still lived in Australia, Beau found himself wasting most of his free time in bed while stewing apathy and misery. Back then he’d thought he had improved since his days at university when he really hadn’t but now, living in Stardew Valley, Beau was sure that he was getting better. It was just hard sometimes.

He rolled over from staring at the wall only to stare at his front door. It was strange to think that the whole world was outside of it, moving and progressing without him, with parents taking their kids to school and people doing their groceries and driving to work. Beau felt disconnected from it all at times, as though if he stayed in his little bubble long enough eventually he’d never have to leave it again. His bed was a limbo that welcomed him and it seemed more appealing than getting up to another day sometimes. He didn’t think he had the energy or momentum for farm life, or any kind of life at all really.

Softly running his fingers up and down the faded surgical scars on his chest out of habit, Beau sighed and reminded himself that he had chickens and a cat who depended on him now. He had food to feed them and crops to water and a mess of a farm to deal with yet. _You can’t just take sick days anymore_ , he told himself. 

Beau could hear the scrawny cat, Llewyn, as she drank from her water bowl in the corner. He’d only gotten her a few days ago from Marnie but she’d already made him fall in love with her, her velvet-like fur, her nonchalant demeanour and how loudly she purred when he scratched behind her ears. She was probably waiting for him to open the front door to let her out and the guilt of possibly annoying Llewyn far outweighed anything else he was feeling at that moment.

 _Just get up and feed the chickens and let the cat out at least, that’s all you have to do today, one day at a time._ He stared up at the ceiling, seeing nothing but rows of stained wood, and resolved to drag himself out of bed. 

It was easier once Beau was out of bed and on his feet. His cat immediately made a beeline to him and flopped onto her side at his feet, demanding to be given attention. 

“Yeah, okay,” he murmured before bending over to scratch her. She bumped her head into his hand and meowed if he even tried to stop but eventually he got up to stumble over to the door. Llewyn followed him and meowed again, impatiently, trying to get him to hurry up. 

The morning was quiet as Beau got ready for whatever he was going to do that day. He wasn’t too sure yet; the crops wouldn’t take too long and cleaning up the farm was seeming as unappealing as ever at that point.

While the sun was already high up in the sky, reminding the farmer of how long he’d tried to avoid the day, Beau was determined to make something of it.

 

“Beau, welcome!” 

Robin backed away from the door to let him in, her smiling warming him up more than the weather had on his walk across town.

Out of anywhere besides his farm, Robin and Demetrius’ house was most likely where Beau spent the most time. It was homely, an odd descriptor considering the sterile lab from across the hall and Robin’s setup in the front room but he supposed it was the people that inhabited the house that made it feel like that. 

Ever since Beau had pointed out the telescope off to the side of the house, he’d found a fast friend in Maru. Usually it was a challenge for him to start and maintain conversations, even more so to be involved in conversations that didn’t end up with him feeling self-conscious and awkward afterwards but Maru was easy to talk to. She enthused in talking about mutual interests such as astronomy and engineering and chemistry and a hundred other fields that Beau didn’t know anything about but loved hearing about when she spoke of them. At times he was glad she let him just listen rather than talk.

Demetrius was a lot like his daughter except that Beau still struggled with speaking to anyone older than him. He admired the man though and it was nice to be included in whatever Maru and her father happened to be working on. He was still trying to figure out how to swap more than a few words with Sebastian however.

He stepped into the house, it was noticeably cooler than outside.

“Hey,” Beau returned her smile, “thanks again for the coop. The chickens love it.”

Robin waved off the compliment with her hand but it was clear she was pleased to hear that. As she shut the door behind him, Maru came into view around the corner.

“Thought it might have been you,’ Maru said as she stopped in place. She was wearing latex gloves while her hair was tied back with a scrunchie, making it evident that she had just left the lab. 

There was a nervous laugh from Beau. “Sorry, if you’re busy I can leave?” He sounded hesitant.

“No, no! Don’t worry, it’s nice having you over.” Maru grinned and her eyes crinkled. “We’re still looking at some soil samples if you wanted to join us?” 

He only had to nod with enthusiasm for Maru to start ushering him into the lab she shared with her father. Her calm demeanour had a tranquil effect on Beau, every smile was genuine and he knew she’d make it known if he wasn’t wanted. He enjoyed that simplicity. 

She handed him a pair of gloves. “Luckily for you, we have the right size for you and your giant hands.”

Beau laughed sarcastically as he took them from her, “Thanks.”

Maru looked ready to say something when Demetrius spoke up.

“Good to see you again Beau,” he said without looking up from his work. 

“You too sir.” 

“How’s the farm going?” Demetrius shifted his eyes from the samples he was analysing to look at Beau, a polite smile replaced the focused stare he had a second ago. “From what Robin told me it sounds like you’ve got a lot of land clearing to do.”

Beau tried to put on his best adult conversation voice. “It’s a lot of work but it’s pretty great actually, the crops are growing really well too.”

“Ah, what are you growing?”

“Oh, um,” Beau sat down on a nearby stool, “mostly parsnip, potato, cauliflower, some strawberries too. Been finding a lot of mushrooms and leeks out in the nearby clearings as well.”

There was an excited gasp from Maru, at the mention of strawberries, that spooked the tired farmer.

“I hope you’re planning on bringing us some of those strawberries once they’re ready,” she told him while her father nodded in agreement. 

“Sure! I’ll save you guys some on the first harvest.” Now he had even more of an incentive to make sure his crops grew well.

Maru brought a beaker over to Beau and urged him to take it from her. He grabbed it and held it cautiously with both hands, it was warm.

“Can you watch this for me? I need to go get the last batch of samples.”

“Uh, sure.” Beau looked over at the counter top and put it down softly next to him.

Maru smiled as she turned and left the lab. “Thanks Beau.”

He didn’t want to move his gaze from the beaker, not while it was just him and Demetrius in the room. Even if the older man seemed firmly stuck in his work. For someone who was nearly thirty, Beau seemed to harbour the same stiff uncomfortableness around people older than him that should have melted away after his teenage years. He suspected that he could be well into his fifties and still feel that way but maybe he would lose his fear of embarrassing himself in front of his elders between now and then, the world was full of possibilities. 

Out of the corner of his eyes he saw Demetrius turn from his work to look at Beau, clearly about to say something. He looked up at him.

“Thanks for helping out,” he told the farmer, sounding genuinely grateful even though Beau really was just holding a beaker.

“No problem.”

Demetrius looked out at nothing, holding a thoughtful expression on his face that made Beau nervous.

“Maru’s a good kid,” he fiddled with the gloves he was wearing. “She’s my special little girl.” 

_Oh no, I don't want to deal with this._ Beau tried to keep his panic internal.

“I wouldn’t want anything getting in the way of her bright future, know what I mean?” Demetrius asked without looking at the farmer across the room. 

“Um,” Beau only had more questions than answers to offer so he settled for staring intently at the beaker still rather than responding. 

The silence in the room was awkward and concentrated until Demetrius chuckled.

“Just some food for thought, Beau.”

Beau released the breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding when he heard the front door click and Maru came in with an armful of fresh soil samples.

“Hey! Sorry to do that to you so suddenly, I’m sure you and dad were fine though.” She beamed at Beau as she made room on the counter for the new samples, eventually taking the beaker back from him once her hands were free.

“Of course, I was just telling him about the soil samples. Right, Beau?” Demetrius patted him on the back before respectfully moving his hand when Beau shifted himself away from the touch. He felt like he was going to have to start wearing a Do Not Touch sign around town.

He only nodded. Clearly Demetrius was just an overly protective father, and Beau was much too tired to deal with it.

“Well, we should titrate this solution before it crystalizes.”

“Yes!” Maru clapped her hands together before approaching Beau. “Let me show you how this equipment works, I’m assuming you haven’t worked with this stuff before?”

The farmer moved over to allow his friend to join him in front of the bench. “Not since high school science lessons,” he told her sheepishly. 

Maru grinned. “That’s better than nothing at least.”

 

Maru and Demetrius’ soil sample analysis took up most of the afternoon, Beau hadn’t even realised it was nearly sunset until Robin entered the lab asking if he wanted to stay for dinner.

“Oh, it’s fine but thank you. I was actually planning on seeing Emily after this.” He nearly ran his fingers through his hair to push it away from his eyes before remembering he was wearing dirt covered gloves. 

Demetrius peeled his own gloves off before disposing of them so he could wash his hands. “I think we’ve done plenty of work today, thank you again for helping out,” he said to Beau.

“Thanks, Beau. We’ll see you at the Flower Dance, ok?” Maru told him as she busied herself with cleaning up all the equipment. 

“Yeah, of course.” He wasn’t sure if he’d attend the spring event but he didn’t want to voice that at the moment.

Beau helped the father and daughter clean up the lab before he left. The sky was somewhat darkened as he stepped outside, a cool breeze passed by and he took in the sounds of the trees rustling and the smell of the nearby body of water. Hurrying to get down into town before the sun completely disappeared from the valley, Beau passed the ominous town hall and the water fountain. The town hall scared Beau more than he’d like to admit, almost as much as the mines did.

There were only a few people still wandering around the town square and he nodded his head politely whenever someone greeted him. He was slowly making friends, the fact that there seemed to be a calendar with everyone’s birthdays in front of the general store definitely helped as he always tried to remember to give people a present or at least wish them a happy birthday.

Stardrop Saloon was relatively quiet as Beau entered, quickly scanning the room for a mop of blue hair. 

“Emily! Hey,” he said as he approached the bar, his friend placed a rack of freshly cleaned wine glasses under the counter before acknowledging him. 

“It’s our one and only farmer! How are you?” 

“I’m alright, what about yourself?” Beau slung the backpack he’d been wearing off his shoulders before placing it on a bar stool.

“Oh, a bit stressed. Today was kind of the saloon’s annual spring clean, it’s always a lot of work.” Emily smiled but he could tell she was slightly frazzled.

Beau unzipped his bag and pulled something covered in cloth from it.

“Hopefully this cheers you up then.” He unwrapped the object to show Emily a sizable piece of amethyst. “I decided to go look at the mines, definitely won’t be going back again but I thought you might enjoy this?”

She laughed happily as he handed it over to her. “Thank you! It’s fabulous,” she told him and wrapped it back up to put in her pocket gently. 

“We didn’t see you at the Egg Festival,” Emily told him, “how come?”

“Just busy with clearing the farm,” he lied. Beau wasn’t even sure if he had gotten out of bed by the time the festival ended.

The smile she gave him in response seemed like she didn’t completely believe him but let it slide. Instead of replying she tapped her hands on the counter and motioned her head towards Shane, standing in the same place with the same disinterested look he’d had the last time Beau saw him in here.

“You want to help me cheer my best buddy up for his birthday?” she asked. “It includes free pizza.”

Beau knitted his brows together, confused by the proposition. “How would I cheer him up?”

“Just go talk to him, about your farm or your cat or whatever you did today, I don’t know. Say you bought the pizza for him if you’d like. Please?”

He looked over at Shane who, for once, wasn’t in his working clothes as he nursed his beer and was currently preoccupied with staring at the crackling fire.

“I mean I can try, I guess.”

Emily thanked him and then promised vegetarian pizza before leaving Beau to approach the shorter man. Shane didn’t notice him coming until Beau cleared his throat.

“Uh, hey!” Beau gave him a small grin, “I heard it’s your birthday. Feel like some pizza?”

Shane looked somewhat bewildered for a split second. “Is it my birthday today? I guess it must be,” he said. “Thanks, that’s nice of you.”

The farmer’s grin only grew wider as he tried to stifle a laugh. “You really forgot your own birthday?”

“Happens to the best of us,” Shane shrugged before taking a sip of his drink. 

“Of course. How old will you be now?”

Beau moved to sit on a stool next to the bar, encouraging Shane to also take a seat. They were still close to the fireplace, it quickly became a constant and comforting warmth on Beau’s back. 

“Thirty-one. Expect some grey hair soon,” he replied. Beau let out a small laugh at that.

“You’re only about a year older than me, doesn’t feel fair to call you an old man yet.” 

He was glad when Emily finally came around with pizza, she placed it between the two of them and quickly refilled Shane’s glass before offering Beau a beer. He shook his head.

“Sorry, I don’t drink.”

“That’s no problem, I’ll get you a soda instead,” Emily told him and left before he could respond.

“How are the chickens?” Shane sounded interested as he asked, something that Beau counted as a small victory.

“They’re doing great! They’re getting pretty big but I still haven’t tried to let them out of the coop, the cat keeps trying to get in though. She is very determined,” Beau put his hands around the cool glass once Emily handed him his coke.

“Do they have names yet?”

Beau made an uncertain sound. “Not really? I guess I’ll find names for them at some point, I'm not great with those.”

Shane nodded to that and grabbed a slice of pizza, not even bothering to blow on it before taking a bite.

Beau squinted at his hair, only now realising the slight purple tint it held and wondered why he hadn’t noticed before. Maybe both he and Emily had dyed their hair together, Shane’s fading while Emily maintained hers. Or maybe it was just natural. He picked up his own slice before Shane could realise he was staring.

“When did you move here?” Beau eventually asked, after finishing his first piece of pizza.

“Uh,” Shane quickly swallowed his mouthful of pizza, “about two and a half years at this point. In the middle of autumn.”

"That's a while ago."

Shane only nodded to that as he continued eating.

“Hey, tell me about the chickens at Marnie’s.” Beau knew it was a slightly random jump in conversation topic but it was Shane’s birthday, he wanted to get him talking about things he liked.

“There’s a lot. Taking care of them is mostly my responsibility now but I love it, they’re good chickens.” A hint of a smile crept onto Shane’s face.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, there’s a few that I’ve been looking after since they hatched. Actually, getting to see your chickens hatch was pretty cool,” Shane told him. 

The pizza had gone cold by the time they were down to the last slices. Beau had been worried about running out of things to talk about and finding an awkward lull in the conversation but to his surprise, Shane spoke more than he’d expected him too. They mostly spoke about the town and Beau’s farm. He learned that Shane didn’t work on the weekends, that he shared a similar taste in video games and he was allergic to pickles. 

He hadn’t expected to be roped into hanging out in the saloon until Gus ushered them out, in fact Beau had already been planning on stir-fry for dinner back at his cottage before Emily convinced him of this. He was glad she had though.

“I’ll see you around, thanks again for the dinner. It was nice,” Shane said as they traded the cosy warmth of the saloon for the almost biting cool night air. It was late, there were no other lights except for the streetlamps. 

“It’s no problem!” Beau stuck his hands into the pockets of his hoodie, trying to keep the cold away. “It’s your birthday after all.”

Shane didn’t respond apart from ducking his head as he turned to head back towards the ranch, leaving Beau to walk back to the farm content with himself and the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhhh [this](http://arnica.tumblr.com/post/155719537443/a-farmer-beau-with-the-official-shane-of-approval) is mostly what the farmer looks like i guess? he is just a scruffy dude and also i need to learn how to manage my time it's been nearly 3 months since i updated oh boy i have been drowning in assessment


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taking another gulp of his beer, Shane heaved a deep sigh as he turned his attention back to the lake in front of them. “Ugh, life.”
> 
> “Amen to that,” Beau said so seriously that it almost made him chuckle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lyrics from [ here ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XClvMMxBg1k)

_You’re on your own  
in a world you’ve grown._

**Shane**

The sound of rain pattering against his window woke Shane up. It was a dreary day from the sounds of it, his room was darkened from the cloudy weather and there was a blanketing chill that came with the rain. From under his blanket it was a calming atmosphere, Shane had always liked the rain. 

Since it was Sunday, Shane had no reason to be up and awake so he took the opportunity to roll over into a new position and fall back asleep. It was so muddied and cloudy outside that what little light that came through Shane’s curtains didn’t bother him at all. 

He grunted when he heard the house telephone start ringing. It was a shrill and melodious tone that made him dig deeper under his bed cover and hope that someone would answer it. There was a soft sound of footsteps entering the kitchen and Shane sighed in relief when the phone was picked up.

“Hello? This is Marnie.” 

Shane assumed it must have been one of Marnie’s friends who had called to chat rather than brave the rain to visit. He listened to what was a one-sided conversation to him, since it was too loud to ignore in favour of falling back asleep. His aunt chatted about the farm animals and Jas and briefly about the new farmer. 

Beau had invited Marnie over to see the chickens and how the crops were fairing yesterday. Marnie came home with nothing but compliments for the ‘polite young man’ who she was surprised hadn’t ‘found someone to settle down with yet’. Shane supposed he could see how Beau’s shy and quiet demeanour could make him a favourite of his aunt’s. 

“Oh yes, he’s so much like his grandfather! So dedicated to the farm and charming.”

There was silence as whoever was on the other end of the phone responded.

“Hm, you’re right. I don’t remember him ever mentioning a grandson called Beau. The only grandson I can remember was named Jacob! A testament to our aging memories I suppose,” Marnie chuckled and Shane could hear her turning on the kitchen tap to pour herself a glass of water.

“I do hope he and Shane become friends at least. Emily is lovely but he needs someone closer to his age.” Shane was now fully invested in the phone conversation as soon as he heard his own name.

There was a loud laugh from his aunt. “Stranger things have happened! Still, that would be a lovely sight to see.” Shane squinted, wanting to know what the ‘lovely sight’ was.

“Can you blame me for being worried though? It’s nearly midday on a Sunday and he’s still asleep in bed. He’s thirty-one, yet it feels like there’s a teenager living here.”

Shifting the blankets around himself, Shane wished he _were_ asleep. It would certainly be much better than listening to this.

“Jasmine is getting worried too, she doesn’t understand why he acts the way he does.”

Shane cringed at the idea of worrying his goddaughter.

“If he’s not at work he’s at the inn drinking, I just wish he would at least see a doctor.”

Another beat of silence.

“Of course I don’t want him to end up like his father but what can I do? He’s a grown man and I’m his aunt.”

At the mention of his father Shane’s breath stopped in his throat. He hadn’t thought about him for weeks at least but now he felt like he’d been slapped in the face. He couldn’t even remember the last time someone had mentioned his father to his face, no one wanted to speak about him around Shane. As if the mere mention of him would break Shane down into even more of a mess. Only his mother ever wanted to talk about him but Shane hadn’t spoken to her in months.

Shane focused on controlling his breathing as he stared at his hand, clenching it, and then relaxing it. He tried timing it to his breaths, ignoring his aunt’s voice floating in from the kitchen. She meant well but she didn’t know how to deal with him, Shane couldn’t blame her for that. It was enough that she’d even offered him a place to stay after getting out of inpatient. It was enough that she let him look after the chickens. It was enough that she put up with him at all.

“Oh dear, you’d better go see what the fuss is about then. I’ll see you tomorrow for tea!” 

There was a faint clink as Marnie set the phone back where it belonged. He heard her put the glass of water she’d poured herself in the sink before walking back out of the kitchen, presumably to do whatever she had been doing before the phone call.

Shane felt sick, embarrassed that he was making his family feel like this. The idea of being a burden left a heavy weight in his gut and when he clenched his fist tightly this time, he didn’t relax it. 

The rain felt less calming and more oppressive now, thundering in Shane’s ears and making him feel claustrophobic under his sheets. He was too sober for this.

Pulling himself up, Shane shoved the blankets off him so he could stand up. He couldn’t bear to lie in bed and think about all the things he hated about himself, he hadn’t cried in weeks and he wasn’t going to start now. 

After deciding to get dressed, Shane padded out into the kitchen before heading towards his chickens. 

Most of them were asleep, while the others were sitting about contently and softly clucking occasionally. His hens were having a lazy day it seemed.

“How are my favourite girls doing?” Shane muttered, picking up Charlie who immediately loved the attention. He petted her along the back and could feel her lungs expanding and retracting while she sat in his arm. It was oddly comforting.

He put her down so that he could grab the egg basket from the corner of the room, there were a couple of eggs that had been laid overnight for him to collect. Charlie followed him around the room as he did so. 

There was a chance for Shane to just sit down on the wood floor and simply watch the chickens. Charlie, and eventually Sarah, came over to him and he gladly gave them the attention they wanted. It was comforting; the rain had seemingly stopped and most of the chickens were still soundly asleep or lazing about. Shane could just focus on nothing but his chickens for a while, putting his horrible mood on hold for just a little bit.

Briefly, Shane wondered if it was going to be like this until he died. The thought was almost too much to bear thinking about.

 

By around late evening Shane had begun his daily routine of drinking. He opted to put a frozen pizza in the oven for himself, rather than bother Marnie and Jas at the dinner table while they enjoyed their meal. He couldn’t really remember the last time he’d joined them for dinner.

The rain had stopped hours ago, now it was just cloudy and damp outside. Shane felt inclined to go out there. Sometimes he liked to sit on the pier for a few hours, away from the guilt of drinking around his aunt and goddaughter. 

He could hear Jas talking excitedly about something as he left the house, he put on rain boots for the mud that the rain had left behind.

Crickets were chirping loudly, and the sun had already completely set now. It was too overcast to see the moon however.

Carrying a six pack of beer, Shane made his way to the lake’s pier. He could see it easily enough even in the dark. There was a gas lamp that sat at the pier that Shane was always able to light when he ventured out there. He disliked the number of bugs it attracted after a while though.

He felt like he was the only person in the world when he was sitting out by the lake. It gave him an odd feeling, like he was free of his responsibilities and guilts for a while. He could breathe without that weight crushing down on him, he could be free for a little bit.

The beer was slightly warm but that didn’t bother Shane. He opened his fourth can for the night and took a deep sip, watching the water occasionally break as animals came up to the surface. 

There was a soft crunching behind him and Shane turned around to see Beau, hands in the pockets of his hoodie, walking towards Shane. _What is he doing out here at this time?_

“Hey,” Beau mumbled once he got closer, sitting down next to Shane like he’d been invited to. 

“You’re up late.” Shane tried to hand the farmer a beer but he declined.

“Alcohol doesn't mix with my medication,” Beau told him. Shane nodded and sat the can down next to him.

“Probably for the best, you got a future ahead of you still.”

Taking another gulp of his beer, Shane heaved a deep sigh as he turned his attention back to the lake in front of them. “Ugh, life.”

“Amen to that,” Beau said so seriously that it almost made him chuckle. 

Shane stared down at his beer can, letting silence wash over the both of them. He could see Beau staring out over the lake from the corner of his view. Looking closer at his hoodie he saw that it must have been from his alumnus university, it was extremely well-worn.

“You ever feel like…” Shane tried to find the right words, “no matter what you do, you’re gonna fail?”

He winced at how vulnerable he sounded but Shane needed to get this off of his chest, even if it was by talking to the man who could barely look at him a few weeks ago.

Beau was quiet for a while, almost long enough that Shane didn’t think he was going to reply but then he opened his mouth. 

“Sometimes. Eventually you just feel like there’s no point in trying because you know it’s going to fail somehow.” Beau pointedly avoided looking at Shane by staring at a duck making its way across the lake.

“I feel like I’m stuck in some miserable abyss, and I’m so deep I can’t even see the light of day.” 

There was no response from Beau, prompting Shane to continue.

“I just feel like no matter how hard I try… I’m not strong enough to climb out of that hole.” Beau finally lifted his head to look at Shane, he was surprised when he didn’t find any pity on the farmer’s face. Just a weariness that made Beau look so much older and weaker than he really was, Shane felt like someone was squeezing his stomach in their hand.

“I wish I had something useful to say but truthfully, I have no fucking clue how to even start getting out of that hole. At least not without hurting everyone around you.” Shane looked down at Beau’s covered wrist, uncomfortably aware of what he meant. It was strange hearing him swear too.

“Although,” Beau said, “if anyone could make it out I think it’d be you. Even if you don’t think so.” 

Shane cradled his nearly empty beer can in his hands, as Beau remained silent. Shane really didn’t think he could but the farmer said it with such conviction that Shane was glad at least one of them thought so.

“Ain’t this some shit, huh?” Beau announced suddenly, exaggerating his thick accent, making Shane laugh quietly. He wasn’t wrong.

With a final swig of his beer, Shane crushed the can with his hand and began to stand up.

“Well, my liver’s begging me to stop. Better call it a night.” The farmer nodded and stood up with him, making Shane keenly aware that he was somewhat shorter than Beau.

“See you around, farmer.” Shane collected the empty cans and began his walk back to the ranch, Marnie and Jas would be asleep by now. 

Beau didn’t say anything as Shane receded further from the light of the gas lamp, he could feel his stare boring into his back as he did so.

Once he’d gotten into bed after setting his alarm for work in the morning, Shane was glad that Marnie could at least be right about him and Beau becoming friends. It was weird talking so openly about his mental state with someone who held no judgement or misguided advice in response.

Slowly the alcohol in his system made Shane tired enough to finally fall asleep, desperately trying not to think about having to go to work when he woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> promised i was gonna upload this Months ago and i never did whoops, hopefully i'll be more consistent now. also apologies this is kinda short but it was mostly just about mental health, i think most of the fic will be honestly. just 2 dudes being sad together


End file.
